Get homework done quickly and efficiently without wearing out your vocal cords.
- De-escalate.
- Use positive reinforcement.
- Express interest in homework, schoolwork and grades.
- Treat homework time like it is a big deal.
- Do your homework visibly.
- Spend 15 minutes negotiating Homework Expectations.
- Write down and post the Homework Expectations.
- Give your child three free passes.
- Reward a Perfect Homework Record.
- Email the teachers!
- What about kids with Learning Disabilities?
1. De-escalate.
Yelling, fighting and arguing about homework deters your child from doing the work. Many times, we aren’t sure how to manage our children, and we often fall back on the “tried and true” methods of our forefathers: yelling. Hey, it worked on us. Didn’t it?
The “forced” method of homework is a bit like pushing string: you can do it, but it isn’t very effective. Odds are yelling is a sign that parents are out of options. Fighting over homework leads to Reactance, also known as Teenage Rebellion.
Reactance is an automatic, involuntary response to requests made by someone who is perceived as trying to control the requestee. Ever wonder why a teenager will fly off the handle when his dad asks him nicely to please take out the trash? That’s reactance, baby!
So when tempers flare, voices crescendo and the threats come out (no TV for a MONTH), it is time to de-escalate. As the adult parent, it is your responsibility to take charge of de-escalating. Don’t expect the child to, and OMG teenagers certainly have their hands full just trying to deal with their new hormone-laden emotions. You have to take charge.
Here are a few ways to de-escalate a hot situation:
- “You know what? Let me think about that, and I’ll get back to you.”
- “I don’t want to fight. Lets cool off and talk later.”
- “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so snippy.”
Then leave immediately and do not slam the door.
2. Use positive reinforcement.
In the typical, self-defeating homework pattern parents ignore homework until it becomes a problem, and then they yell and punish. Negative reinforcement has its place, but positive reinforcement is the tool of masters. Here’s how you use it.
First, put on a trench coat, fedora and sunglasses. Then stalk around the house and spy on your kids. When you catch them actually doing their homework, especially if they did so without asking, you jump out and say:
“You did great starting your homework on your own. When you’re done, lets go get ice cream, just the two of us!”
The important points are 1) state specifically what you are happy about, not a general “Good Job”, 2) offer some kind of reward that the child is interested in and 3) do this at random intervals, not every time.
3. Express interest in homework, schoolwork and grades.
When it comes to conditioning or training, the rule is: Ignored behaviors are soon extinct.
Imagine a child who thinks that homework is important to her parents. She completes the homework on time, every time. But no one seems to notice. One day she gets caught up Instant Messaging her friends and doesn’t finish. The next day, she’s a little trepidatious, but soon realizes that not only are there no consequences, but nobody has noticed or seems to care. Nobody says a word. She’s just lost a huge chunk of motivation.
It’s not enough to ask “Did you do your homework?” and assume that everything is hunky-dory. Take a few minutes at least a few days per week to go over homework with your own eyes and see what kind of quality your child is turning in. Sit down together and dump out the backpack and pick through loose papers to see what might be getting left behind (heh). Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m going to help you finish tonight so we can spend some time together.”
4. Treat homework time like it is a big deal.
Many children who are homework deficient don’t have a fortress of solitude in which they can work, distraction-free, on their homework and projects. The space should have all the tools needed: pens, pencils, calculator, possibly a computer, etc. The space should be peaceful: not the living room table unless everyone understands that it is homework time and that means no radio, television, phone calls, so that the student(s) can work in a calm setting.
Sibling rivalries are strong and so you may need to play defense for a struggling student by intercepting brothers and sisters who act as distractors. This is also an opportunity to teach your children how to set and respect boundaries. You’d be surprised how many behavior problems are the result of a lack of skill in boundary setting. If the child does not know how or is not comfortable saying, “I have to do my homework now. Let’s talk when I’m done, OK?” then you have the opportunity for trouble.
You need to respect The Homework Zone. Don’t barge in with reminders about chores that need to be done. Do check in to see that the child is on track and offer help and encouragement when appropriate.
5. Do your homework visibly.
Children often feel that homework is an arbitrary burden imposed by teachers and that once they graduate (or drop out) they won’t have any more.
Ha!
Adults have more homework by far. You can help them understand that by setting up your Homework Zone and making it known when you are doing your homework: paying the bills, doing your taxes, cleaning the house, literal homework from your day job, etc. This lets them know that homework is just a part of life and to take it seriously. Even if they like to pretend otherwise, children imitate their parents. Make sure you model what you want them to copy.
6. Spend 15 minutes negotiating Homework Expectations.
Many times children don’t realize homework is required unless it is spelled out for them. Additionally, if they feel that parents are arbitrarily handing down rulings, that they have no say in the household, or that parents are controlling them, then reactance kicks in and we get good ol’ rebellion.
The solution is to sit down with them at the beginning of the school year and additionally as needed. Negotiate with them what the homework rules or expectations are. Give them a feeling of empowerment by letting them make some choices, such as when weekend homework is to be done: Friday after school? Saturday? Sunday at midnight? How will trips to the library be handled? What kind of consequences come from non-performance?
If you make the agreement together, then they have what teachers pray for: buy in. That means they are much more likely to comply. After all, the agreement was (in part) their idea!
7. Write down and post the Homework Expectations.
Kids forget. Kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD or ADD), Asperger’s Syndrome, or Snoop’s Selective Memory forget even more. Throw in a Learning Disability (LD) of any kind and you need lots of reminders. This is why it is essential to put the agreement you came up with in #6 down on paper and make copies. Post a copy on the fridge, on the front door, in the child’s room and on the bathroom mirror.
When the child is not complying, don’t yell and scream. You simply point to the appropriate section of the agreement and follow the consequences. This makes the agreement the bad guy, instead of the parent!
Don’t set your child up for failure. Verbally remind him or her as needed, too.
8. Give your child three free passes.
Nobody has 100% compliance 100% of the time, and expecting that kind of perfection is just a set up for failure. Give your child a break and some control with three Free Homework Passes. Print them up on fancy card stock and let them cash ‘em in for one homework-free night (or weekend day) whenever they want. At the end of the grading period, reward them for any they haven’t used, and then make sure they have three for the new term.
Everybody wins.
9. Reward a Perfect Homework Record.
Include a Perfect Homework Reward in your Homework Agreement. This should be something fun and special such as: a night out to dinner and the movies where the child gets to pick the restaurant and movie, karate lessons, a new video game, trip to a theme park, new phone, $50 cash. The reward should be something that the child is willing to work for.
And no, the three free passes don’t count against this.
10. Email the teachers!
Sometimes we can’t always take our child’s word for it. Thank goodness for email! Take thirty minutes at the start of school and make a list of the child’s teachers with their email address. Contact each of them and ask them to let you know if and when the student misses any homework, tests or quizzes, and of course if there are ever any problems.
Teachers won’t always be diligent about this. So every other week, email the teachers asking for a list of 0’s: any homework, tests or quizzes that are missing. Your school or district may also have an online service you can use to check your child’s progress, too.
Once your child realizes that you have an in with his teachers, his ability to tell you one story and the teacher a different story gets squished. Huzzah!
What about kids with Learning Disabilities?
Challenged Children, those with any kind of learning disability, need the exact same treatment. They need all the rules, reminders and rewards even more! Don’t let their disability fool you: expect them to perform to their 100% capacity. If we settle for less, we do them a disservice.
-Snoop
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No. The science on this has long been done. It has been demonstrated quite solidly that there are two kinds of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. That’s just a fancy way of saying internally or self-motivated, versus externally or reward motivated. People who are internally motivated work hard and persevere out of an internal desire to succeed, usually just for the good feelings or personal reasons important to the individual. People who are externally motivated are acting to obtain some external reward such as a cash payoff, hugs, praise, promotion or raise.
