Peek through the keyhole at life raising a teen with Asperger’s.
You’ll find wonderful information on parenting and education.
Be advised: the Knox County School District has quite a penis.
=)
A new video game might prove to be a very productive use of time for young cancer patients: It helps kids fight their diseases figuratively and literally. The game, called “Re-mission,” is a 20-level journey through the bodies of fictional patients suffering from different types of cancer, and of course, it can be played by adults and healthy folks as well. But the primary idea is to give patients a sense of control over their disease.
Children and adults around the world have embraced video games, with both positive and negative results. Here’s another shot in the arm for the folks who see video games as more than just an excuse to stay inside on a sunny day. Sparks of Genius uses video games as alternative therapy for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD or ADHD), Asperger’s Syndrome, Memory training, to fight off Cognitive Decline, and build any number of Cognitive Skills including executive function.
Click here to check out their new Summer Brain Training Boot Camp!
Yelling, fighting and arguing about homework deters your child from doing the work. Many times, we aren’t sure how to manage our children, and we often fall back on the “tried and true” methods of our forefathers: yelling. Hey, it worked on us. Didn’t it?
The “forced” method of homework is a bit like pushing string: you can do it, but it isn’t very effective. Odds are yelling is a sign that parents are out of options. Fighting over homework leads to Reactance, also known as Teenage Rebellion.
Reactance is an automatic, involuntary response to requests made by someone who is perceived as trying to control the requestee. Ever wonder why a teenager will fly off the handle when his dad asks him nicely to please take out the trash? That’s reactance, baby!
So when tempers flare, voices crescendo and the threats come out (no TV for a MONTH), it is time to de-escalate. As the adult parent, it is your responsibility to take charge of de-escalating. Don’t expect the child to, and OMG teenagers certainly have their hands full just trying to deal with their new hormone-laden emotions. You have to take charge.
Here are a few ways to de-escalate a hot situation:
Then leave immediately and do not slam the door.
In the typical, self-defeating homework pattern parents ignore homework until it becomes a problem, and then they yell and punish. Negative reinforcement has its place, but positive reinforcement is the tool of masters. Here’s how you use it.
First, put on a trench coat, fedora and sunglasses. Then stalk around the house and spy on your kids. When you catch them actually doing their homework, especially if they did so without asking, you jump out and say:
The important points are 1) state specifically what you are happy about, not a general “Good Job”, 2) offer some kind of reward that the child is interested in and 3) do this at random intervals, not every time.
When it comes to conditioning or training, the rule is: Ignored behaviors are soon extinct.
Imagine a child who thinks that homework is important to her parents. She completes the homework on time, every time. But no one seems to notice. One day she gets caught up Instant Messaging her friends and doesn’t finish. The next day, she’s a little trepidatious, but soon realizes that not only are there no consequences, but nobody has noticed or seems to care. Nobody says a word. She’s just lost a huge chunk of motivation.
It’s not enough to ask “Did you do your homework?” and assume that everything is hunky-dory. Take a few minutes at least a few days per week to go over homework with your own eyes and see what kind of quality your child is turning in. Sit down together and dump out the backpack and pick through loose papers to see what might be getting left behind (heh). Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m going to help you finish tonight so we can spend some time together.”
Many children who are homework deficient don’t have a fortress of solitude in which they can work, distraction-free, on their homework and projects. The space should have all the tools needed: pens, pencils, calculator, possibly a computer, etc. The space should be peaceful: not the living room table unless everyone understands that it is homework time and that means no radio, television, phone calls, so that the student(s) can work in a calm setting.
Sibling rivalries are strong and so you may need to play defense for a struggling student by intercepting brothers and sisters who act as distractors. This is also an opportunity to teach your children how to set and respect boundaries. You’d be surprised how many behavior problems are the result of a lack of skill in boundary setting. If the child does not know how or is not comfortable saying, “I have to do my homework now. Let’s talk when I’m done, OK?” then you have the opportunity for trouble.
You need to respect The Homework Zone. Don’t barge in with reminders about chores that need to be done. Do check in to see that the child is on track and offer help and encouragement when appropriate.
Children often feel that homework is an arbitrary burden imposed by teachers and that once they graduate (or drop out) they won’t have any more.
Ha!
Adults have more homework by far. You can help them understand that by setting up your Homework Zone and making it known when you are doing your homework: paying the bills, doing your taxes, cleaning the house, literal homework from your day job, etc. This lets them know that homework is just a part of life and to take it seriously. Even if they like to pretend otherwise, children imitate their parents. Make sure you model what you want them to copy.
Many times children don’t realize homework is required unless it is spelled out for them. Additionally, if they feel that parents are arbitrarily handing down rulings, that they have no say in the household, or that parents are controlling them, then reactance kicks in and we get good ol’ rebellion.
The solution is to sit down with them at the beginning of the school year and additionally as needed. Negotiate with them what the homework rules or expectations are. Give them a feeling of empowerment by letting them make some choices, such as when weekend homework is to be done: Friday after school? Saturday? Sunday at midnight? How will trips to the library be handled? What kind of consequences come from non-performance?
If you make the agreement together, then they have what teachers pray for: buy in. That means they are much more likely to comply. After all, the agreement was (in part) their idea!
Kids forget. Kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD or ADD), Asperger’s Syndrome, or Snoop’s Selective Memory forget even more. Throw in a Learning Disability (LD) of any kind and you need lots of reminders. This is why it is essential to put the agreement you came up with in #6 down on paper and make copies. Post a copy on the fridge, on the front door, in the child’s room and on the bathroom mirror.
When the child is not complying, don’t yell and scream. You simply point to the appropriate section of the agreement and follow the consequences. This makes the agreement the bad guy, instead of the parent!
Don’t set your child up for failure. Verbally remind him or her as needed, too.
Nobody has 100% compliance 100% of the time, and expecting that kind of perfection is just a set up for failure. Give your child a break and some control with three Free Homework Passes. Print them up on fancy card stock and let them cash ‘em in for one homework-free night (or weekend day) whenever they want. At the end of the grading period, reward them for any they haven’t used, and then make sure they have three for the new term.
Everybody wins.
Include a Perfect Homework Reward in your Homework Agreement. This should be something fun and special such as: a night out to dinner and the movies where the child gets to pick the restaurant and movie, karate lessons, a new video game, trip to a theme park, new phone, $50 cash. The reward should be something that the child is willing to work for.
And no, the three free passes don’t count against this.
Sometimes we can’t always take our child’s word for it. Thank goodness for email! Take thirty minutes at the start of school and make a list of the child’s teachers with their email address. Contact each of them and ask them to let you know if and when the student misses any homework, tests or quizzes, and of course if there are ever any problems.
Teachers won’t always be diligent about this. So every other week, email the teachers asking for a list of 0’s: any homework, tests or quizzes that are missing. Your school or district may also have an online service you can use to check your child’s progress, too.
Once your child realizes that you have an in with his teachers, his ability to tell you one story and the teacher a different story gets squished. Huzzah!
Challenged Children, those with any kind of learning disability, need the exact same treatment. They need all the rules, reminders and rewards even more! Don’t let their disability fool you: expect them to perform to their 100% capacity. If we settle for less, we do them a disservice.
-Snoop
Here is an easy method for you to check on the effectiveness of your child’s Individualized Education Program (IEP).
If your child has a Learning Disability, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome or another challenge that makes life in Public School extra-challenging, then you know the drill. Once per year, a “team” of teachers, administrators and mental health professionals meet with one confused kid and two overwhelmed parents. At the end of this meeting the family is presented with an Individualized Education Program (IEP) that is supposed to ensure that the child has his or her special educational needs met.
How do you know if the IEP is any good?
You may also know the tragedy: that gut-sinking feeling when you read a report card full of D’s and F’s, while in your heart of hearts you know that your child is capable of so much more. Isn’t he? What if the teachers aren’t doing their part? What if the IEP sux? What if the principal wants to get rid of your kid because he thinks that the school’s rating is suffering due to the special needs students?
Step 1: Compare Assessment Grades Against Overall Grades
The first step is to collect all the grades and progress reports for your child. Go back as far as one year. Any further and you are running into a different batch of teachers. The best time to do this is during the first nine weeks of school. Why? So that if there are any problems you can address them before your child’s GPA suffers.
The teachers may be indicating which grades are Assessments, measures of skill mastery, and which are homework or attendance or performance based. If they haven’t, it is no big deal. You can just assume that all the quizzes and tests are the only assessments. Take the assessment scores and compute the average (by adding them all up and dividing by the number of assessment grades). This score tells you what level your child is testing out at. Now take a look at the overall grade and see how they compare.
If you child’s assessment score is higher than her overall grade then that is a sign that her IEP is ineffective or not being followed.
If you think about it, the assessment grade is really all that matters, isn’t it? It is the score that reflects how well your child has mastered the material. If that grade is being brought down because of missing or incomplete homework, poor classroom performance or spotty attendance, then the grade no longer reflects mastery of material and is now a reflection of how well your child matches the individual teacher’s idea of an “A” student. If the teacher thinks that homework is tops, then they weight homework as a larger portion of the grade. For most Challenged kids, homework is a nightmare, so this policy is like penalizing them for having a disability.
Don’t go on the rampage just yet!
Step 2: Take an inventory of what is being done outside of school.
The idea here is you need to verify that your end of the educational team is performing up to snuff. Ultimately, you need to be honest with yourself and ask whether your child is making an effort, and are you and your family supporting that effort. According to Snoop, the family should have clearly expressed expectations of school performance, in writing. They should provide a quiet place with all the tools needed for homework and study. They should make an effort to respect the student’s homework time as sacred, avoiding interruptions and distractions. They should also help redirect the student, help the student evaluate her progress and celebrate victories as a family.If this is being accomplished and your child is working diligently (to her ability), then the ball is definitely back in the school’s court.
It is a fact, maybe a sad one, that the squeaky wheel gets the oil in our school system.
Step 3: Make some noise!
Now that you have determined that the family and student are filling their roles, and the school possibly is not, you have to make some noise to get the issue noticed and resolved. If you have the time, meet with your child’s teachers and simply ask them how the disparity can be resolved. Don’t be afraid to rock the boat. Teachers may be resistant to the idea that they have to do more or aren’t following the IEP. Make a checklist and ask the questions: how are you complying with this IEP requirement? And this one? What about that one?If you need to, call the Special Education Coordinator (or whatever they call it at your school). Call the District Coordinator. Call the Principal. Call the parents of other Challenged Children. Time is precious and if your child is graduating with a regular diploma then her GPA really matters! The higher it is the more seriously colleges will take her.
A high GPA can be a point of pride in the life of a child who may feel defective and stupid. Don’t let RATs (Rotten Apple Teachers) take that away!
In the end, you may find that the teachers are all doing their jobs quite well. What then? CHANGE THE IEP! If everyone is doing their part and student performance is down the the IEP is not meeting all of their educational needs.
Do I need to hire a private tutor?
Our government has taken on the role of educator and has willingly accepted the responsibility for providing an adequate education for everyone. You should not need to hire a private tutor. However, I have seen many student benefit from one-on-one attention, and a private tutor is free to use techniques and teach skills that public schools aren’t interested in or prepared for. Challenged children are easily friendless, and a tutor or mentor can help meet the child’s social needs and teach socializing skills in a different way than schools do.
Good luck, and feel free to email me with any questions, comments or concerns.
-Snoop
